Film, Gadgets, and Geekdom

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Yeah.  I’m going to filter this entry.  What of it?

I hope John and Holly are happy.  They have completely removed my desire for anything.  I guess this happens when you loose a close friend over something so stupid.  Of course, I mean stupid referring to what I said in a couple of voice messages I left on John’s phone.  Everyone tells me that I should just get over it and move on.  That I should work on removing John as a friend.  I can’t do that.  I go to bed every night extremely sad because another day has gone by and I still haven’t received a call from John.

I even contemplated suicide.  Thinking, “That would show them what happens when you don’t forgive someone.”  Writing the suicide note that explicitly says it was their fault.  Then I realized that I have other friends that would be sad.  Not to mention Lexy.  I like to think that she would be so pissed that she would follow me into whatever afterlife there is just to kick my ass.  Dave and Natasha, Adam, Steve, my parents, other members of my family.  I think Dawn might be sad too, but you’d never guess it since she’s never home.  ;)  Ok, maybe I should let up on those “Dawn’s never home” jokes.  She has other people besides us.

Taking your own life for someone who wouldn’t care is definitely not worth it.

I do have Dave.  He’s always been an awesome guy and it sometimes makes me feel bad that I’ve looked him over in the past year.  I don’t think he thinks about that anymore, or whether he ever did, I don’t know.   All I know now is Dave is a better friend.  He understands that when I get pissed, that if he just gives me time to cool down, then we cool.  I think John had that too, but I think Holly might have convinced him otherwise.

Not that Holly is a bad person, she is trying to protect herself and her husband.  I can’t blame her for that.

I have been getting better about controlling my temper.  I don’t get upset at people as often, but a person’s past can definitely come back to haunt them.  That’s what happened between me and John and Holly.  I suddenly, for one reason or another, was asked to carry too much without an answer from those two and I broke.  I think what did it was that they were more than happy to tell other people the problems they had with us, but never us.  Things could have been so much better with communication.  I don’t know how many times I need to apologize.  I doubt it ever did any good.  I would love to just sit down with the two of them and explain everything.  That will never happen, though.  At this point the conversation is passive.  Kind of like TV.

I hope the pain will go away.

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