A few days ago, I found out that Dawn and John talked about me behind my back. Saying some things that they didn’t see as all that bad. Madison happened to be there and apparently thought that what was said was bad enough that she should tell someone. So, she told Natasha, who, from what I was told, didn’t know what to do with the information either. She told Lexy. Lexy found out and told me. Now, I admit, I said some terrible things to Dawn that were uncalled for because I was upset because Lexy got upset. It’s that whole “protecting your significant other” thing. Well, what I said was bad, but then it was misinterpreted. Which, one can expect every now and again when they are attacking someone unnecessarily.
Anyway, my point. I apologized the next day to Dawn and found out the night I apologized to Dawn that she had been having a “complain about Tony” session with John, of all people. Lexy had the idea of getting Dawn, John, and I together and hammering out some problems that apparently those two had with me. However, Dawn viewed the idea, when presented to her by Lexy, as an attempt to interrogate everyone. That hurts. She was trying to help her fiance fix his friendships, and Dawn viewed it as an attempt to burrow into everyone’s life. Well, guess what happened. Lexy doesn’t feel the need to have their approval or their friendship anymore. From what she told me, if they are nice to her, she will be nice to them, but there is little loyalty and almost no trust there. I can understand that. It saddens me, but I understand it.
The whole roundabout I’m trying to get around is this: it appears my friends are more likely to talk about me than to me. What if I hadn’t approached the subject of them talking about me? I would still be as devastated as I was when I found out. I’ve never been as close to tears than when two of my close friends would rather talk about me than talk to me and try to understand what was going on. Looking back, I don’t know if Dawn had the slightest intention of attempting to talk about my outburst. The next morning, she did all she could to avoid talking to me or looking at me. The only time she did was when I apologized. What if I hadn’t? What would have happened? I don’t know. What if I had sat on the information that they had talked about me? I would still be stewing over it. I would still be devastated.
The hardest thing for me to get over is this: Why would Madison view what was said as so bad she couldn’t hold on to the information, but John and Dawn would tell me it really wasn’t that bad. There are two answers that I can think of. One, they actually did say some pretty bad stuff, but don’t have the balls to tell me when I actually talk to them about it; or, two, what was said wasn’t actually that bad, but to Madison, it sounded bad and the fact they were talking about one of their friends didn’t seem right. I suppose I’ll never really know exactly what was said, because both said they mostly talked about art and getting hurt. I wonder what context they used “getting hurt.”
I love both Dawn and John. I wish John would defend me as much as he defends Dawn. We talked about that, though. Apparently, to him, Dawn is easier to breakdown that I am. I disagree. I’m just harder to breakdown the same way one could break her down. It’s really easy to break me down, you just have to do it the way they did. Talk about me behind my back and then have me find out. You know, attack my paranoia.
I suppose friendships need these potholes. As long as someone actually wants to resolve the situation, like I did. I don’t want to lose either John, Dawn, or any of my other good friends. I only mention those two because that’s who hurt me this time, you understand. Everything is cool now, I hope, I trust. Things just need to be worked out. Personally, I would have liked to have resolved the situation before it got to the point where people could talk about me, but that can’t be helped, I suppose. It’s just good to know that I can tell these kind of things to people and have them understand how their actions hurt me. I just hope that people would do the same for me.
