Into things, that is. Maybe I bitch too much about my life and how it’s being lived around me. Well, if I didn’t talk about my life, I would most likely be less interesting than I am now. Imagine that. Me. LESS interesting. Wow. Hard to imagine.
Anywhoo. I found out tonight that I’m not the kind of person that my friends would want even to have a drink with. Yup. Apparently I’m not the kind of person who could just drink and chill out. No, apparently I’m the kind of person who would want to talk about “things” when I drink.
You know what? I haven’t had a conversation with ANYONE in this house since we moved in. In fact, every time I’m home, people are gone. Every time I’m away, people are at home. I’m not saying people are trying to avoid me. Its just that I like hanging out with the people I live with and I never do. I haven’t even had a decent conversation with my best friend. I’m not saying we have to talk about drama shit or any of that (though I know there is a lot of that on his mind), but, a decent mind-exercising conversation would be nice. Apparently it has something to do with how he thinks I perceive his manhood or that he’s a failure or some shit. I don’t know, its all fucked up and funny. I’ve noticed that he has become much more of a douchebag and an asshole since some shit happened. Its fine if you are trying to be funny once and a while, but holy crap cracker, sometimes people actually like being around a decent human being once and a damn while. I’m really starting to get pissed off about it. It really sucks living with a person who doesn’t give a shit about you or insults you and everyone around you constantly.
Which brings me to another topic. I’ve noticed that there is an awful lot of humor-at-expense going on around here. Mostly directed at Lexy. Thursday night was really bad. I was getting upset about it, it was so bad. Apparently it was “make fun of Lexy” night all night until people decided they had better places to be. That really makes for a comfortable living environment. “Let me make fun of you until I decide I’m tired of being around you.” “It’s so funny that something grotesquely embarrassing happened to you, even though it’s really mean.” No “I’m sorry that happened to you.” No “those people were so mean.” Nothing like that. Only a, “tell everyone else what happened to you that was so funny.” I don’t think it was funny. I think it was embarrassing and of low character; however, apparently terrible things happening to people are funny. That makes me think that maybe *eating cheese is funny*. Maybe I’ll start making jokes about it. That’d be great. I mean, it’s a terrible thing that’s happening to the two of you, so it must be fucking funny, right? I don’t want to live in that kind of house and hopefully you don’t either.
It really hasn’t been all that great living here. I mean, it has had its fun times, but overall, it’s been draining. I can’t hang out with my friends because they are either all not here or being a complete dick. There is only so much TV and video games can do for me to keep me occupied. I can’t rightly go out and make new friends because when I try that, it becomes so painfully obvious how much people don’t really like me. Either that or they don’t get my jokes. I tried to be funny and open and spriteful at a presentation I gave in a class and the reaction was one of bored crickets. I’ve moved past my belief that there is some sort of conspiracy. That was bogus. I think I’ve settled on the idea that I’ve moved in with the wrong type of people. People who, when I am removed, get along and have fun. Now, when you add me back in, I become this monster that one must please in order for there to fun of any kind or the fun all happens in secret. That isn’t exactly true, but the feeling is there.
So, remember. When I’m watching TV or playing a video game, usually its because I have nothing better to do. I have no place to go. I have no people to see. I live with the only friends that I have ready access to (JC friends are not considered readily accessible) and they’re usually not here to hang out with. Then at the end of the day when Lexy asks me to go do something with her, I am so depressed from a day of doing nothing with nobody, that I just can’t see the point in doing anything. It isn’t anyone else’s fault for that, I know. Only I am responsible for how I feel, but sometimes (regardless of what the professor of my Interpersonal Comm class says) you can’t help but feel how you feel.
There you go. Another entry where I bitch about what its like to live in this house.
Ok, so I STILL don’t get what you’re talking about when you say everyone was making fun of me. If it was that story I told about the Russian touching my boobies or how the kids cheered for my lame joke in the cafeteria, I thought those were funny too. I didn’t feel laughed at or made fun of. ANd if Dave says some stupid hurtful bullshit to me and it actually gets to me, I call him on it, and he backs off immediately. No problem.
Your demeanor isn’t typically of a person that wants to be approached. Not necessarily your fault, but it is what it is. For a long while it is likely you will have to approach people instead of wondering why they aren’t approaching you. I’m sorry about your class presentation. Those people are just dumb.
Even if you don’t think they are listening, why aren’t you TALKING to people about this stuff instead of blogging about it? Unless you were planning on talking to them after you blogged. In which case I withdraw my comment.
First of all, yes, you read way too much into stuff. Your best friend is *super awesome!*. What kind of best friend are you that you can’t be more sensitive and supportive of him? Why does his world have to revolve around you? He is *eating cheese!*. No matter how he says he feels about her you don’t just stop loving *cheese*. Excuse him, and her for that matter, if they happen to be pissy for a while.
Second of all while what I just stated is true he needs to be a better best friend too. (You can feel free to share this with him becuase he needs to read this.) You are getting married in… what three weeks, two? YOU AND LEXY are the MOST important people in the universe in your own lives. As your best friends those other two important poeple in your lives really need to put aside their own drama and bs for two seconds and think about you.
Do you know what Jason said when I told him you were getting married? He said it was too bad you live so far away. It would be fun to thrown you a bachelor party. He even went so far as to be sensitive about it and figured you wouldn’t want to do something typical of a bachelor party such as a strip club. He figured you could get a list of your pals together and ya’ll could invite the guys to spectators or somewhere and play pool with you getting free dinks at his’s expense.(whether they be alchol or not is up to you, you don’t have to drink but it can help one relax if done in moderation). He has said repeatedly it would be nice to hang out with you and Lexy, and me of course but that goes without saying.
Before you do anymore finger pointing, and I know there is plenty to do right now… think about the fingers you are pointing. I know we’ve had drama in our friendship in the past but 6 or 7 years is a long time for people to grow up and deserve another chance. Do you realize you don’t even reply to my email? How do you think that make me feel? Why should you care? I don’t know, darn it! Because I am the most important person to me (technically). Think about that.
I seriously doubt that your “friends” decided to poke fun at Lexy with the intent of pissing you off (Who in the hell is pyscho enough to want to do that???) or hurting Lexy’s feelings (which sucks but it happens if you take that sort of shit personal). Why not take that negativity and redirect it. Focus on the two people in your life who deserve all your attention right now… YOU AND LEXY!!! Thank God (or whoever, whatever your personal belief would insert here) for the things you can change and thank them for the ability to redirect your attention elsewhere when it comes to the rest of that bull shit.
Why are you so unhappy? Because your friends are so focused on themselves they don’t wanna play wif you? Get over yourself and realize they are the most important people to themselves and if they want to be selfish then there isn’t anything you can do that will change that. So all this bitching and being depressed and shit isn’t doing anyone any good. So CHEER UP and FIND BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR ENERY! In fact why not ignore everyone but Lexy (and yourself)? When was the last time you did something sweet for her outta the blue just to make her smile? When was the last time you two had a heartfelt conversation that wasn’t about the drama in the house? Go out to a bar with her and cut loose, dance, drink, play pool, karaoke (with her!), or whatever. Take her to dinner or she could take you I guess. Pick her a handfull of wildflowers, randomly kiss her neck, take her out star gazing…
Stop being so unhappy. You have plenty to be happy about if you just think about it for two seconds. You have an incredible gal, a working car, a roof above your head, infinate job posibilities, a good head on your shoulders, and a bright, bright future… if you choose it to be so.
Now, I’m going to go make some brownies because they make everyone around here happy and I feel the need to do something uplifting. Will they shower me with praise? Probably not, hell, I probably won’t even get a thank you but I’m going to do it anyway because I know they enjoy brownies and I like to cook. It makes me happy to see them eating the brownies. I am content with that.
You know. The majority of what I write here is only for my benefit, its how I deal with what’s going on. I post it in a public forum for people to understand my thought processes and contribute to the conversation I’m having with myself.
Maybe I should tell people how I feel instead of blogging about it. Maybe I should just keep my trap shut, letting this website drift into the dark depths of abandoned websites. Maybe I should tell you that you completely missed the point of what I was saying and that you should fuck off. I will not do any of those. Well, I might just start blurting out my reactions to situations and see how that goes, but for the most part, I will just continue blogging and thinking about things. If you don’t like that, then you are welcome to not come back here.
As far as the email thing. Understand something. I’ve never really felt that I was truly friends with you and Jason. To me, it felt more like I was a friend through other people. I never really felt that comfortable around either of you, so when you email me, my natural reaction is to just not respond. Yes, I understand that’s something I should work on and yes 6 years is a long time.
I don’t really like being me, but a lot of the time, I can’t help it.
Hey there,
Blogging isn’t a bad thing, it can really help to straighten stuff out in your head. I think with stuff as serious as what you’re talking about you should talk to the people of interest as well. As for people commenting on your blog, I wouldn’t take it as a “quit your bitching” attitude. I would say that you are blogging in open forum and expect open replies. You can take and leave what people comment as you see fit. I think you should keep writing because I like reading.
Oh, and it’s good to be honest with people about how you feel. No point really addressing it now, but I will say that it would have been good to say something before now. ;)
I am so talking to you in person about this when I get a chance.
Crap that was Natasha, not Lexy. Stupid thing won’t sign her out.
I get to see you in two weeks!! yay!!!
It really sucks that you are in a year lease. I hate year leases!
Hmmm You know parts of what has been said is fair on both sides. You know nobody really knows how the other feels until it is expressed. But Tony believe it or not I do understand what your emotional levels can be like. I dont know if you know but emotional depression runs in my family HARDCORE!! Not saying you are emotionally depressed. Just saying some of the reactions that i see that you have remind me of the emotional reactions I have had and have also. My grandmother was severely skitso as well as my Cousin and one of my aunts and I feel I am too as I recognize my emotions going there once in a while. Esspeically when I was a kid. Not saying you have any of this. But my point is…we all work through our emotions in certian ways. And I have to say that I agree with you. Just because you writing something here does not mean it is your final thought. I do the same in working through my shit. I go through a range of emotions and telling myself I am stupid or thinking to much before I finally come to MY feelings of it.
So what I am getting as sometimes you cant take everything you read as the end all be all of what a person thinks or does. Sometimes it is just a way to work through something. I understand this because it is how I get through things. And yes it has gotten me into a lot of trouble sometimes too. But it is what is is.
On another side. I do think that maybe this past week has been a little to emotionally charged for everybody in the house. With everything that is going on. So everybody is bound to say or do things that normally would not be them. On that note I would say it would be impossible for anybody in that house to hold anybody to what would be their “Normal” emotional status. So everybody involved that house should start to relax a bit before jumping the gun on anything.
Just wanted to say, thanks for the brutal honesty. I do appriciate it when people are honest with me. It hurt my feelings a little but I need to grow up I guess. Blogging is a good way to sort out your emotions and such I was just trying to help by giving my two cents now and then. Sorry if I was a bother. I’d still like to be friends with Lexy if that is okay with you. If not I can respect that I guess. I’d like to become better friends with you than we apparently are but that is up to you. Again, if not what can I do but respect what you decide. Please let Lexy know I’ll be on to chat this week if she wants to. Sigh… okay, I’m done.
Natasha pointed out something to me that seems important. She says when you talk openly on your blog about how you hate living where you are, that doesn’t do much for your relations with your house-mates. If you are wondering why nobody comes up and talks to you, well, why would they when they just read that you don’t like being with them.
Also, she said that nobody knew that when you are watching tv or playing games that you are actually bored. They think that you are occupied and wouldn’t want to do anything else. A good example is the fact that Richard has asked you to go to the movies several times. He isn’t going to ask anymore because you’ve never accepted. It’s not that he doesn’t like you or doesn’t want to hang around you, but why would he keep asking when he knows you’ll say no? And why would anyone come up to you and talk to you randomly when you don’t usually go up to anyone else and say “what’s up?”?
Just some thoughts.
Pardon me if I interject, but Becca, I am a big boy and I need NO ONE to jump to my rescue, or anything else like that. Yes I may be *eating cheese* but I can handle myself just fine, thank you very much.
And another thing, wtf does my *cheese eating* have to with anything said in this blog? I am sorry but I am incredibly confused with that. Here’s a fucking pointer, if I don’t talk about something on my blog do NOT put it on someone else’s. I am a very private man and would appreciate it if people did not put my laundry out to air (especially on the internet for EVERYONE to see) .
Don’t get this twisted, I’m not angry with you, but with how my private life has been thrown into this. I hate no one, but I will get *pissed* if people start throwing my personal affairs around.
Have a happy Army day.
Sorry Dave… I didn’t mean to piss you off either. Tony has mentioned it in at least one previous blog and I didn’t mention your name so if people didn’t know who was being spoken of they wouldn’t have found out from me. It was listed as one of the things that was causing stress around the house. Anyway… I can’t seem to do anything right anymore so I’m just going to stop trying for now. I was just trying to point out a couple of views on that point in a matter of fact way; not piss everyone off darn it.
Sigh… good grief. I swear I had everyone’s feelings in mind, I guess it just came out all wrong. Sorry, sorry, sorry… I wish I knew what I could do or say to stop sounding so stupid. I like you people darn it! I want to be your friend. I don’t want you to all hate me just for trying to help. I don’t know what else to say right now. I’ve just sat here staring at the screen for like twenty minutes feeling really stupid and worse. Sorry again.
I’m not pissed, I just wanted to my point across. I meant no ill will, but like I said I am a very private man. I hold no hatred towards anyone, and all I want to be able to live life without drama, which is harder to as I get older it seems.
I did some censoring. Cheddar, anyone?