I’m sitting here just watching TV and Dawn comes in, goes outside, presumably smokes (I can’t say for sure, I wasn’t there :P), and comes back in to tell me she was typing up a huge synopsis of her holidays and how she had to stop because she had an angering discussion with John online about Santa Claus or some such thing and that’s why she had to stop and go have a smoke. So, I eventually find a Brandon Lee movie on TV and kind of half-heartedly pay attention to it. Mostly I’m just fucking around on the ‘net looking at other movies Brandon Lee did before he died in The Crow. So, then I decide to check my LJ friends page because I do that every now and again and I see this gigantic entry from Dawn about her holidays. At first I tell myself that I will read it all, but then I realized that it’s just too damn long and skimmed it. Yeah, that makes me a bad person, but I figured I’d get to it when I’m not so uninterested in people bitching about themselves. Yeah, that’s what personal pages are for, I realize that. I mean, hell, go down a few entries and I’m sure I’ve poured out some shit about how my life is so terrible.
I suppose my main point is what is so bad about spending a couple of holidays with your friends AND your family? Dawn had the chance to spend Thanksgiving with John and Holly as well as see her family. Yeah, according to her accounts she didn’t have the best time, but at least it’s something. Why am I so uptight about this? Well, I think it had something to do with the fact that Dawn constantly talks about how she talked to John about this, or John showed her that, or this, that, the next thing. Then I realize that John doesn’t really talk to me about anything except WWII Online.
You know what? There are a lot of times when I get upset about this and then I sit here and think about it and realize that there is no real reason for me to be upset about it. Yeah, John and Holly apparently prefer Dawn’s company to mine and lets not even get me started about how Lexy is VERY commonly overlooked by everyone save for me. Yes, it is becoming more and more obvious to me that John apparently talks to Dawn more than me. The fact is it shouldn’t bother me. Maybe it’s because I’m realizing that John and I don’t have the friendship I previously thought. Maybe it’s just that I don’t ask enough questions or don’t initiate contact as much as Dawn does. The fact is, unless I am invited, I feel like I’m imposing. Even then, I feel like I’m imposing usually. I don’t call John anymore because the last several times I have called him I’ve waken him. When I do that, I feel like a TOTAL ass. Hell, it’s really easy for me to feel like an ass. Saturday, when we all got back from Lee’s Summit, I asked John if we were going to get together later after they had had a nap and he told me they were going to do anniversary stuff that night. This is one of those double-edged situations. I had no idea they were going to do that because they never said anything. In fact when we asked them on the way home, what the plan was, all we got was a,”I think we’re gonna take a nap.” Saying that in such a way said to me, “Well, we are kinda tired, so we will take a nap, but you should have known we were going to do stuff for our anniversary tonight.” Perhaps I should have known, but much like every other situation, I didn’t know. I mean, how am I supposed to know I am welcome when most of the time, I don’t feel welcome? Dawn goes over there for holidays, apparently is invited, but I never hear the same invitation. Dawn went to the Ren Fair with John and Holly, when the information that I might be going was brought up, there wasn’t an “Oh, cool,” there was an “Oh, you’re going? That’s going to make things complicated.” Does that sound like I’m welcome? Not to me it doesn’t.
There, I bitched about it. Now, Lexy and Dawn don’t have to talk about me when they think I’m asleep and they are still awake wrapping Christmas presents. Want to know why I couldn’t sleep? Because I could hear people talking about me behind my back. It wasn’t very friendly talking either, I heard some things that I’m sure neither one would have said to my face. In fact, neither of you mentioned that you talked about me the next day, so I can only presume it was something you didn’t want me to hear.
So, there’s the majority of my life. People talking about me behind my back. People with jobs. People who appear relatively happy with the path their life is on, because I wouldn’t know otherwise because I am damn near always the last person to be told ANYTHING. Everyone has their “I was so wasted” stories. Not me. The last time I felt like drinking, nobody else did. Why? Because usually people drink when I’m not around. I guess I’m just really terrible company. Wouldn’t surprise me. Most of my paranoias have come true. I was paranoid that Kat was cheating on me. She said she wasn’t. We broke up because I was so damn paranoid. Well, it turns out she did and EVERYONE else knew except me. John knew, didn’t tell me. Adam knew, didn’t tell me. I’m sure there are others out there that knew that didn’t tell me either. Thankfully, I’m not worried about Lexy cheating on me because she’s so against it. In fact I’m surprised she is still with me after I cheated on her. I really don’t deserve her. Let’s see. Another paranoia I had was people talking about me behind my back. Welp, turns out that one’s true too.
So, I guess that’s why I hardly feel welcome. I’m so paranoid about things that people don’t want me around anymore. Well, I guess I can’t blame them. I guess that’s why John prefers to talk to Dawn, she’s not me. I suppose that’s why the stories I hear from John and Holly’s when Dawn is over there are so very much more interesting than when I am there.
I need to stop bitching about this shit. I know it doesn’t help me except to put me into a depressive state and I know that you readers don’t actually give a shit. Unless I talk negatively about you, then boy howdy are you all over my ass complaining about how I shouldn’t have gone about my bitchings in whatever way I chose to go about it. So, fine, complain, but prepared to receive a heavily exercised and widely used middle finger.
